Hear is some information about me. I am overweight, I am about 5'5.5", long brown hair with highlights.
Kindergarten the best time of our lives right? Don't get me wrong I loves my class mates and teacher. At that time kindergarten was still half a day. I had friends and got along with everyone. Even back then I was husky. All I remember was the comments being made to me. I was young and did not really understand them. I just shrugged them off. I was called, chunky, bubble butt, and a few others. Granted they were not even close to what was said as we got older, but I never understood why my "friends" were calling me these things. I was young and did not understand the names.
Skipping to middle school I understood very well what the names meant. By mid 5th grade I hated the way I looked because of the things that were said to me. By now the names because very hurtful and rude. Lard ass, ugly, cow, garbage can, and much more. I understood them and what I could not comprehend why it was my "friends" that were calling me these names. People I have grown up with. Realizing they were right I started to believe the lies they feed to me every day. I could not understand what I did wrong. I was nice to everyone. I never said anything mean about anyone. I would stand up to bullies, but never my own. I never told anyone about what was said to me.
Here we are now in 8th grade. I despised they way I looked and wanted nothing to do with any of the feelings I have bottled up over the years. This was when I started to scratch my wrist. Not cut scratch. Using the end of a maniacal pencil I made my wrist red and some skin broke open, enough to ease the pain of every day bulling from my pears. I stopped when I realized it was wrong and stopped but the pain and words still surrounding me.
High school freshmen year was awful with the bullying. The names because worse. More cruse words then anything. I really hated myself but did nothing about it. I got use to the blows and just started to brush it off. I noticed myself saying things about others that were not nice. To this day I notice it and stop myself because I know how it feels. I only say stuff that is true about someone.
Junior year things started going in the other direction. The pears who use to bully me were now complementing me. No matter how hard they tried I never believed them and to this day I don't. I believe the lies they told me over the years. Now they are telling me what I use to think. I started to have a hair elastic around my wrist and make it tight to release the pain of the stress and disbelief. How can someone who use to bully me see now what I use to see. It is not right. How can this happen.
I have graduated now and still see nothing good about how I look. I am slowly getting their with the help of my boyfriend who is trying to show me every day I am beautiful. I see it on the inside butt the outside I see the lies I have been told. It is never easy to erase those kinds of things out of your mind.
What I am about to tell you next only one other person knows. It was never easy to talk about and still is not easy. Almost every day from middle school on I was verbally abused by my own father. The older I got the worse it got. It did not help I tried to fight back. I would always end up in my room wanting it all to end. Wanting either myself or him to just leave the world. I know that is bad to say but the things he said to me over the years really hurt me deeper than my pears words. I would run to my room and cry until I could not cry anymore. The names to this day make me cringed when he gets into that mood and starts in. You fat C U Next Tuesday, You Fat bitch.. it was bad. It very rarely happened when my mom was around. I never understood what I did to make him so mad at me because I was always daddy's little girl, daddy's helper. He just turned into a monster towards me for some reason. It was bad when I got use to that as well.
Today is October 8, 2014 and I still after all the years believe the lies. That is at least 16 years of verbal abuse. Some more effected than others, but still hurt. I am able to see the beauty that I use to see when I was a kid, but my mind wont let me. I know deep down I am beautiful. I just don't see the visual, I only see the hurtful words.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because being verbally abused is not something you want or to do. It does effect people in ways that could cause harm. Weather simple things like I did that also cause long term damage, or lead to suicide. So please before you say something or about someone please think before you speak. It could lead to something you don't want to happen.
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| I am in the front row from the left I am the second person. (I am in the floral dress with a pink shirt) First grade 2002 |
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| Senior Year 2014 |
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