Young Love

      When you are young you will fall in love and fall out of love. Have your heart broken many times. The sad thing I have noticed with myself if that I have only been in two relationships that meant something to me and one that was a roller coaster. With those relationship I have learned to I guess you want to call it get over it faster them most people. The reason I have come to this conclusion is because I learned to hide my feelings and emotions from others and myself. Yes it does blow up in my face once in a blue moon, but when you get use to shutting your emotions off because your emotions get in the way of doing what you do best. I guess what I am trying to say here is, is that no matter how it ended I will still always care about that person. No I may not cry or feel needy. It is not who I am or how I handle my breakups or problems.

       I will give you an example I was with someone for a year and almost five months. What we had at the time was grate and was true love. We started drifting apart the last few months and fighting more. I felt like the typical trying to keep something going I new would never last any longer. We decided to end it and it went south from their. I could not stop crying for longer then five minutes the next day. But the day after that I acted like nothing ever happened. The reason for that is because my protectiveness kicked in. It is hard to explain how I feel when this happens but I also know what I am doing for myself. My family would be supportive like always just is how I am.

       Here I am now a month and a week later and I still feel like nothing ever happened except that emptiness in my heart. I learn to ignore and finally it goes away. Yes I am young and I will brake hearts and have more, even fall in love more. But right now I need to focus on my life. If you have not noticed I use the blog to help release some of the bottled up things. I am not one to run to someone or vent to someone I am more the the type of person people come to when they need to vent.

      Anyway Young love does hurt and sucks and is nice all in one but it sucks more when you feel like a careless heartless bottled up wench. 

Not One Women Is Alike We Are All Unique!!!!

     Everyone has something about themselves they dislike or hate. You are seeing it more often with the society we have today. Between people judging by looks and listing to media girls are having more trouble with their own self image. It is becoming harder and harder to appreciate. Most of the models today are size zero. Magnetizes are photoshop to look perfect, anything to do with media or promotion any little imperfection is taken away from them. Some even have weight taken off of them because they gained over the years or even wrinkles because they are aging. What my point is, is that today's idea of a perfect women is not even logical or physically possible. I am so tired of hearing people compare all women to each other. Not one women in this whole world is alike. We are all unique. We all have our own looks, personality, smell, smile, size, type, and more.

     Have you ever talked to a women that is not your type. It didn't kill you right. Try getting to know them and you most likely will see a better person than what you normally go after. I am tired of hearing from anyone the cruel comments about someones weight weather skinny or husky, color of skin, hair color, the imperfections. Well if no one has told you yet no one in this world is perfect. Everyone has the same skeleton structure and anatomy. The only thing that makes us truly different is how each and everyone of us has a different personality. We all carry ourselves differently. Some have a better self image so let themselves fly higher others stay low to the ground because their self image is not so grate. No matter what women will be women. But please do not judge us by our covers. Take the time to read into our pages. You my find out they are better then you ever thought.

Self Image

I Believe I Am Beautiful

Eyes shut tight facing the day with true fears

Look in the mirror trying to be free

Running down her cheeks wiping away tears

Facing the mirror seeing it all clear

What others think of her she does not see

Eyes shut tight facing the day with true fears

Lies told between two people in her ears

Everyone tells her she holds the true key

Running down her cheeks wiping away tears

She is surrounded by the truth with peers

Wind spreading the news through a pretty tree

Eyes shut tight facing the day with true fears

Friends show her beauty was with her for years

Beauty rest in her sole deep in the sea

Running down her cheeks wiping away tears

Showing that she can understand she hears

Facing the mirror for the last time free

Eyes shut tight facing the day with true fears

Running down her cheeks wiping away tears

I wrote this poem about two years ago now. I still to this day believe every word that was written. Granted I am almost two years older. But the negative things that were said to me will never leave me. No matter what I say or think about myself. Those hurtful words will still haunt how I see myself. If I feel grate and look grate in an hour or so I will deny that I even said I looked grate.

Scary Minds

Alone in a crowded room

No one cares enough to help

Listening to lies rather the truth

Dark and scary minds

Think too much, dark clouds

Ignoring the truth

People don’t understand

Trying hard to believe

Wanting to see the beauty

They care, my mind won’t let them in

Here is another one I wrote for a class. They may not be the best but it shows how I really feel about myself.

Verbal Abuse Hurts Too

          Sitting here writing this will not be easy for me, but you all have a right to know how verbal abuse really affects someone. Everything I am about to tell you is true. Nothing was made up to get empathy. Just hear me out and realize the effects of verbal abuse. Hopefully this will make you think twice before saying something hurtful or mean.
          Hear is some information about me. I am overweight, I am about 5'5.5", long brown hair with highlights.
          Kindergarten the best time of our lives right? Don't get me wrong I loves my class mates and teacher. At that time kindergarten was still half a day. I had friends and got along with everyone. Even back then I was husky. All I remember was the comments being made to me. I was young and did not really understand them. I just shrugged them off. I was called, chunky, bubble butt, and a few others. Granted they were not even close to what was said as we got older, but I never understood why my "friends" were calling me these things. I was young and did not understand the names.
          Skipping to middle school I understood very well what the names meant. By mid 5th grade I hated the way I looked because of the things that were said to me. By now the names because very hurtful and rude. Lard ass, ugly, cow, garbage can, and much more. I understood them and what I could not comprehend why it was my "friends" that were calling me these names. People I have grown up with. Realizing they were right I started to believe the lies they feed to me every day. I could not understand what I did wrong. I was nice to everyone. I never said anything mean about anyone. I would stand up to bullies, but never my own. I never told anyone about what was said to me.
         Here we are now in 8th grade. I despised  they way I looked and wanted nothing to do with any of the feelings I have bottled up over the years. This was when I started to scratch my wrist. Not cut scratch. Using the end of a maniacal pencil I made my wrist red and some skin broke open, enough to ease the pain of every day bulling from my pears. I stopped when I realized it was wrong and stopped but the pain and words still surrounding me.
         High school freshmen year was awful with the bullying. The names because worse. More cruse words then anything. I really hated myself but did nothing about it. I got use to the blows and just started to brush it off. I noticed myself saying things about others that were not nice. To this day I notice it and stop myself because I know how it feels. I only say stuff that is true about someone.
        Junior year things started going in the other direction. The pears who use to bully me were now complementing me. No matter how hard they tried I never believed them and to this day I don't. I believe the lies they told me over the years. Now they are telling me what I use to think. I started to have a hair elastic around my wrist and make it tight to release the pain of the stress and disbelief. How can someone who use to bully me see now what I use to see. It is not right. How can this happen.
        I have graduated now and still see nothing good about how I look. I am slowly getting their with the help of my boyfriend who is trying to show me every day I am beautiful. I see it on the inside butt the outside I see the lies I have been told. It is never easy to erase those kinds of things out of your mind.
        What I am about to tell you next only one other person knows. It was never easy to talk about and still is not easy. Almost every day from middle school on I was verbally abused by my own father. The older I got the worse it got. It did not help I tried to fight back. I would always end up in my room wanting it all to end. Wanting either myself or him to just leave the world. I know that is bad to say but the things he said to me over the years really hurt me deeper than my pears words. I would run to my room and cry until I could not cry anymore. The names to this day make me cringed when he gets into that mood and starts in. You fat C U  Next Tuesday, You Fat bitch.. it was bad. It very rarely happened when my mom was around. I never understood what I did to make him so mad at me because I was always daddy's little girl, daddy's helper. He just turned into a monster towards me for some reason. It was bad when I got use to that as well.
        Today is October 8, 2014 and I still after all the years believe the lies. That is at least 16 years of verbal abuse. Some more effected than others, but still hurt. I am able to see the beauty that I use to see when I was a kid, but my mind wont let me. I know deep down I am beautiful. I just don't see the visual, I only see the hurtful words.
       The reason I am telling you all of this is because being verbally abused is not something you want or to do. It does effect people in ways that could cause harm. Weather simple things like I did that also cause long term damage, or lead to suicide. So please before you say something or about someone please think before you speak. It could lead to something you don't want to happen.

I am in the front row from the left I am the second person. (I am in the floral dress with a pink shirt) First grade 2002

Senior Year 2014

My Life Around A Nurse

      My mother was a nurse on grant five at Eastern Maine Medical Center. When she went back to work for a while when Sarah and I were little. She gave us a tore of the floor and even some of the stuff she worked on. She got done working their and started to substitute at Miles Lane. With everything we have gone though with our father ad watching my mom in action helping him get better.

      She started to work at Ross Manor at a LPN director. Sarah and I started to volunteer during summer vacations and school brakes. At age eleven I started asking more and more questions about what is going on. How things work, when they talk about medical stuff I am trying to figure out what it all meant. I was curious about the medical field.

      My mom switched jobs and became the LPN director of Engle Place a Dementia / Alzheimer unit. It is one of the hardest units to work on because of how some of the things that could happen. I started helping more and more. Making beds in the morning, passing meal trays, answering bells (call lights). I asked the employees more questions gaining knowledge about being a nurse.

      My relationship with the employees and residents became stronger like my seconded family. Their were a couple people that liked Sarah and I because of our age. We were kids, most of the residents never saw their gran-kids very often. One hardly spoke English because of where he was from. He was my first encounter with combative residents. He was fine one minute and in a split second he was gripping my arm tighter and tighter like and Indian sun burn. I was calm when my moms employees had to remove him hands from my arm and talk him to the living room to relax.

     They explained to me what happened and reassured me I did nothing wrong. He was sun downing. They explained to me what that was. A few years later I let a resident out side in the court yard. About a half hour later not even five minutes after I checked on him, the housekeeper said he was on the ground outside. I ran to get my mom and the staff who were working that day. I was scared but my nursing side kicked in. The ambulance came and got him and I felt like it was my fault because he got a suaver head wound.

     The maintenance man came over to clean the blood off the ground in the court yard. He looked at me ans said it was not my fault and I was very brave to see something like that at my age. I went to my moms office and cried for a half hour.

     Years later I found my self wanting to work their. I got my CNA and CRMA. I am a CNA on Waterman Unit. It has been almost a year now. I have helped many people have better days and lives with my personality.

     My mother is the one who has shown me everything and her employees. If it was not for them I would not be where I am today. I am going to college for my RN certification. Thanks mom for all the support and help. 

My Only Two Relationships.

      I am going to be 18 in May. I have only ever been with 2 guys. No I am still a virgin. The most I have done is get my first kiss at age 16. The first guy was a waist. I wasted 3 years on him just trying to help him change his ways. The other treated me like a princess. I wont give names but I will tell you how they treated me. Hear we go.

      My first boyfriend was in 8th grade. I was silly and immature. I started talking to him because he was my friends boyfriend at the time. Granted she is no longer my friend and is only an acquaintance on a professional level. They broke up and we talked more on Facebook. To speed up the story I will skip some stuff. We "dated" on and off. I would find out he was cheating on my with another girl. He did this to me many times. I let him walk all over my heart 4 times my 8th grade year.

      It was 8th grade formal and I wanted him to go but he could not come. So he said he would meet me on the water front. I saw me and ditched me. I was upset but still had fun. Oh well his loss. I found out he was cheating again and nothing happened for a while. That summer at the Bay Festival I meet him in person for the first time. I was nervous but excited.

    He was trying to be all cute and what not. I saw a neck-less I loved. My sister suggested he should buy it for me. He went to take out his wallet and I took him away from that area so he could not get it. Later that day was the fire works he was suppose to show up and he never did.

     Freshman year I took him back 4 more times for a total of 8 times. He and I were back and forth for 2 years. Between him cheating on me, lying straight to my face when I knew the truth, and being two faced towards me, I still only thought about helping him become a better person. It was and is who I am. He never wanted to go out or hang out. Never wanted to be around me at school to show me off.

      My sophomore year was when I though I was in love with him. I did all I could to keep him in my life. Junior year was when I realized I am not going to let him walk all over my heart. I told him I was through trying and when he realized I was the only one who cared then come talk to me. That was when he told me he only dated me because he felt sorry for me.

      Senior year we hardly speak now and when we do it is the same old crap. He tries to tell me he loves me now and wants me back. I gave him 3 conditions and 6 months to complete them. He is no longer in that part of my heart. But he always will be because he was my first true...love....

      My second boyfriend was the opposite. We got to know one another through a good friend.  It was over April vacation my sophomore year we because a couple. For like 2 months all we could do was hug. When he would try to kiss me I got too nervous and would turn away. Our first date was at the movie theater. Of all movies to watch we watched Avengers. I never would have understood it even if I payed attestation.

      I was kinda cuddling with him and we were just kinda flitting and looking in one another eyes. He was running his fingers though my hair and down my cheek. He kisses my cheek, then my nose. Out of no where his lips were touching mine. It was quick but sweet. Next thing I know his hand was caressing my face and he kisses me again but longer.

      He was my first kiss and it was perfect. To this day I smile and giggle when I think about that day in the theater. Every morning he would message me saying "Good Morning my beautiful princess." At night our long talks he always said " Good Night my Beautiful Princess. Have a wonderful night." Everything was grate.

      I fell in love even harder. We were together almost 1 full year. The crap we went though all because he is 3 years older then I am. My parents did not like it because they were worried I would do something stupid. His parents "step mother" was worried I would call the cops for something that would have been both our designation

      That summer at the Bangor fair we hung our and he got me to go on 2 rides I was scared of. The snowman one that spins like crazy. The other was the log one. I am scared of heights but he said he would be with me every step of the way. He gave me a duck from one of the games. He also made me a simple heart neck-less and a bracelet he found around the house that on one owned. We hugged a lot and kissed more. :)

      I wrote him letters explaining to him how I felt and how he has helped me because a better person. He was my Prince Charming. We hung out as much as we could. Granted my parents had no idea about us and a friend of mine would take me up to see him while we hung as well.

   Not even two weeks before our one year my longest relationship we were forced to brake up. It was all because his step mom found the letters I wrote him explaining how he has made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I was crushed. Everything that reminded me of him is in a shoe box in my closet so I don't cry. I still love him with all my heart. I truly believe he is my sole mate.

      That is a little history about the two guys I have dated. It is not much but I am who I am. I just wont let my self get walked all over anymore.

My Cat Marshmallow + My Sisters Cat Patches

     Sarah and I were 5 and 6 years when we got our cats. A friend of ours gave us the cats for free. There was 2 kittens to choose from. A fluffy cat with longish hair, a multiple colors cat with short hair, and a fluffy gray, white and a little brown kitten with long fur. We did not chose the cats the cats chose us. The short hired female chose Sarah. While the fluffy male chose me.

       I named him Marshmallow because of the white in his fur and he was so fluffy. That same night when we were hanging out with our friends Marshmallow was playing with my feet. I was shocked but was laughing. We got the cats home and the next day we took them to the vets for the shots. That was when we found out Patches was a female. I few months passed and my parents and I took Marshmallow to the vets to get fixed. I was really upset because I did not want him left there for a full day.

      A few years pass and I was treating my cat like a baby. I put him in a baby stroller I had when I was little he sat right there. He did not care what I did to him. He was my baby and still is. Whenever I was sick he would lay with me, If I was upset he would do all he could to make me laugh and get my annotation off of what happened.

     To this day my cat is my baby. He is a main coon cat. Males are not common to have many colors. My mom calls him a money cat but I will never get rid of him unless it was necessary. He is their when I am upset and he listens. Whenever I need to talk about something and don't want to bother others with my problems I talk to him. He responds in his own ways and I have a feeling he understands more then what I lead on. He tries to comfort me in his silly ways.

      Cuddling with him when he lets me is really fun because he just cuddles in my arms and does not care. I rub and pat him while he drools on me or the furniture. He is like a Saint Barnard with drooling. He shakes his head like a dog and spatters the drool all over me and my face. My sweet baby boy is my life. I am thankful for his trust and grate listing skills.

      Patches on the other hand. Sarah called her Patch because she had a small white stop in the mix of her multiply colored fur. But when we found out she was a female she decided to make is Patches. She was opposite of Marshmallow. She had short fur and a totally different personality. Whenever Sarah tried to cuddle she would but not for long. Putting her in the stroller she stayed maybe 1 minute.

      Sarah use to give her baths but not where she should have. She only did it twice. It was in the toilet. She wanted to keep her clean. We had to use many towels and a hair dryer to keep her from getting sick and to cold. Her cat for some strange reason was clung to Sarah like a baby. The things Sarah use to do to her when she was younger.

      Patches was strange. But we loved her. She was my sister’s world. Whenever anyone cried around Patches she was in your face making sure you were okay. She was admit to make you laugh or annoy the crap out of you. Sarah told her everything. She was there for Sarah for many things. Sarah did not talk much about issues she had and so on that is there Patches came in to help her get it all out.

       Around age 9 for the cats Patches was having problems. She had double urinary tract infection and it almost killed her. At age 11 she was not herself at all. She would hide under the bed more and more. We took her to the vets and they gave her antibiotics to see if it was some kind of infection again.

        It was the weakened the medication did not touch what was going on. We took her to the Emergency Vet to find out what was going on. They told us they could do an operation but she only had a 20% chance to live through it. We decided her time was up. But before we made the decision final I suggested to have an x-ray done to see we were not putting her down for something simple. Found out one of her ovaries burst and the other was about to.

        That day Sarah decided to put Patches out of her missionary was painful. Sarah, mom, dad, and I were in the room waiting for the information and the form for Sarah to sign was forever. Sarah signed her name to give premonition to out her down. We were just glad we were not putting her down for something that could have been fixed.

        The doctor gave us time to get ready for the moment. We sat their quite a while. Sarah was ready to let her go and not suffer anymore. She opened the door to the back so the Dr. new it was time. She took Patches in the back to put in IV line in her. She brought her back with 3 needles. The doctor looked at Sarah and said when you are ready I will start putting the medication in. Sarah by her side gave the okay. 1...2...3... she was now in heaven no longer in pain. We all were with Sarah supporting her in every way.

       Sarah had her cremated. They had a paw print made in a heart with her name. A small amount of her fur with all the colors. The final thing was her ashes and a card that explained the rainbow bridge. She has her sitting on the mantilla in the living room. For Christmas I made Sarah a poster college of Patches. It had many pictures of her. On the top it said "R.I.P.  Patches Lee Lancaster <3 2002-2013 <3" I bought a frame and everything for it. She looked at me and cried when she saw what it was. It is now in her room on her wall facing her bed. It is the first thing she sees in the morning and the last thing before she falls asleep.

       Marshmallow stills plays with her and goes on one of his spells of running around the house, jumping on the couch and beds. She is watching over us and he brother. He is still himself but with a little bit of Patches in him now. Rest in Peace Patches. We love you always and forever. 

     (p.s. my cat is up my sister’s butt a lot more now than ever. Taking Patches place of being her little pal. I was also crying a lot writing this.)